


Achievement Unlocked: Total Dumbass

by cruciomysoul



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coming Out, F/F, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-02-10 22:52:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2043288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cruciomysoul/pseuds/cruciomysoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren's excuse to stop Mikasa from setting him up with girls from her university? He's getting married. To whom, you ask? Ah, well, that's easy! It's- ah, um, ha, Jean? Yes, Jean! ...<i>fuck.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Eren groaned, trying (and failing) to resist the urge to hit his head off of the kitchen counter. "Not this again," He mumbled, lips moving against the marble surface. It tasted mildly of cleaning agent.

Mikasa didn't reply, or act as though she heard him, but there was a distinct increase of force in which the knife struck the chopping board.

"Look, Mikasa," Eren raised his head, sounding tired. In all honesty, he was. They'd had this conversation dozens of times already, and Eren wasn't going to be budged. "You need to stop trying to set me up with your friends, okay?" He hoped he sounded as gentle as he thought he was being.

Judging by the suddeny crestfallen face upon his sister, perhaps maybe he had not.

"But," She mumbled, worrying her bottom lip for a moment before sighing, "I just want you to be happy."

Eren flashed her what he hoped was a reassuring smile - it  _did_  seem to ease the lines on her forehead. "But I am  _happy._ "

"But you could be happier," Mikasa protested, getting back to the chopping, "Historia is really nice, and extremely pretty, too! She's like a female Armin."

"That- I don't see how that would make me interested." Mikasa shrugged, sliding the carrots into the sauce pan. She pulled some onions toward her, and started peeling.

"Because then it would be like marrying your best friend." Was all she said, plain and simple. Eren didn't groan, but he did realise something horrifying:  _She wasn't going to relent._

"Mikasa," Eren said, all seriousness, "I  _cannot_  get with Historia."

"Why not?" Huffed she, peeling the last of the onion skins.

"Because!" Eren floundered, thinking wildly for some reason as to why he shouldn't -  _couldn't_  get with this pretty female Armin look a like named Historia. "I'm- ahhh... getting married!" Oh. Well done, Eren. Yes, tell you're sister you're getting married, why don't you, just to stop her from trying to set you up with some girl from her university.

Congratulations, you have unlocked a new achievement: Total Dumbass, Gold.

Immediately, Eren felt the cold drain from both his body and the room, a complete endothermic reaction. Not only that, but he was certain there were dark shadows hanging around Mikasa.

Absolutely stock still, death glaring Mikasa who had stopped chopping the onions but had yet to release the knife from her ever increasing grip. He was pretty sure he heard it crunch.

"You're getting married." She stated, turning to face Eren. He couldn't decipher her expression, but one thing was clear; this was an insanely stupid plan. He was going to die.

"Ah, er, ahem," Eren cleared his throat, stammering his was through his words, "yes?"

"You're getting married," Repeated Mikasa, who seemed stumped, and Eren would have worried about it, but really, this was Mikasa. "To whom?" She was probably plotting at least a thousand murders that could in no way be traced back to her or to any one legal system.

"Uh-"  _Think, Jaeger, think! You got yourself into this! Now, quick, who was the last person you text? Oh, that's easy!_  "Horse face! I mean," Eren stammered, simultaneously screaming and hitting himself inside the head "Jean." He looked at the ground, the walls, the brew pot, at  _anywhere that wasn't his sister._

"..."

Eren peeked up at her through his hair, and she looked- well, stunned for one, but that quickly morphed into fury, which melted away into confusion, before settling on a cold sort of indifference.

"You're marrying Jean." Was that scepticism? Woah, Mikasa, that's a bit unwarranted.

"Yes?" Eren hedged, straightening himself up. If this lie was going to work, then he had to make it damned believable. He could not afford to be afraid of Mikasa right now. She would kill him.

(She was going to kill him anyway, but that's beside the point.)

"Jean Kirschtein had a crush on me throughout all high school." Mikasa said, admiring the edge of her knife. Eren flinched.

"That was  _high school,_  Mikasa, people  _change._ " Eren waved his arm about, as if to enforce his point. Mikasa levelled a look at him, dark eyes stony and cold.

"You hate his guts."

Well, she did have a point.

"People  _change_ ," He repeated, and when she didn't look convinced, added: "Plus, he's not  _that_  bad."

Mikasa made a short humming noise, turning around to light the hob so the saucepan could boil.

"Why didn't you tell me you were gay." Eren was caught off guard by the sudden question- no, statement, actually, she wasn't asking him a question, she was  _accusing him_.

"Because I'm not-" Wait. Fuck. You said Jean. Jean is a guy. You are a guy. Guy plus guy equals. Fuck.  _Why did you have to say Horse face first. Jean could have been a girl's name._ Eren was extremely glad she still had his back to him, that she couldn't see the furious blush on his face or the deer caught in the headlights expression.

He was totally screwed. He wasn't even gay.  _Jean_  wasn't even gay. This was a mistake. This was a completely new Achievement: Total Dumbass, rank Platinum.

He swallowed, just as Mikasa began to turn around, and blurted out: "Because I'm not really attracted to guys I just really love Jean honestly I think it's just him plus if I'd said anything you might have tried to set me up with some of the guys from your university and they might have been completely against my taste and that would have been awful to have to tell you and them." Blink. Breathe.

Where in heaven's name did  _that_  come from?

Mikasa considered him for a moment, and his answer, before asking; "So what  _is_  your type?" _  
_

"Uh," Eren scratched the back of his neck, suddenly embarrassed. "W-well," He stuttered, "Tall, I guess? And- uh, muscular? But not, like, World's Strongest Man, muscular, just kind of- _fit_? And, you know..." He trailed off, because he didn't know. He was just trying to describe Jean without sounding like he was trying to describe a pony.

He hoped it worked.

"I see. Well, if it doesn't work out between you and Jean, there's this guy Annie's friends with-"

" _Mikasa._ " Eren cut across her, glaring slightly. She was shameless.

Mikasa sighed, fixing her one of her 'I'm-actually-pretty-disappointed' looks, and in that moment, Eren felt like a little kid again, like his-  _their_  mother had caught him stealing cookies from the cupboard again.

But he shook it off, because,  _damn it_ , fake engagement or not, Mikasa should be  _happy for him._

"I am happy for you. I just want to make sure you're happy." Eren swallowed. Well, people always  _had_  said he was easy to read.

"I'm happy." He echoed, voice a little hoarse.

He was doomed. Ha. So, so doomed.

Annie didn't come down stairs until dinner was on the table, and even then, she was silent throughout the meal. Until:

"Eren's getting married." Annie looked up from her plate, gaze flicking from Mikasa to Eren with mild interest.

"Oh?" She sounded, quiet and soft like she always was. Her voice held none of the interest her eyes did. Mikasa nodded,

"To one of his high school  _friends_ ," She put emphasis on that word, as Eren and Jean had been anything but, "And he's only just told me. I didn't know they were together. I've been trying to set him up with Historia."

"Well," Annie said, giving a small barely noticeable shrug, "I guess that's a good thing. Historia's actually seeing Ymir."

Annie didn't say anything for the rest of the meal, and neither did Mikasa. Though that was kind of because she was staring at Annie with some kind of horrific-slash-appalled expression, as though Annie had summoned the devil right there in the living room.

Eren helped wash up, and left as promptly as he could, diverting any and all questions from Mikasa about his relationship and impending marriage to Jean towards his watch, with a profound exclamation of "Would you look at the time!?"

As soon as he left Mikasa's house, he sent Jean a text.

 

> **15:03** ,  **Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Horse face
> 
> **Message:**  i fucKED UP REALLY BAD GET UR ASS TO MY HOUSE RN AND DONT SPEAK TO MIKASA

And then, for good measure, he sent one to Armin, too.

 

> **15:03, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Armin Arlert
> 
> **Message:**  buy some of the best beer possible i'm coming to yours and getting absolutely shitfaced okay we're having a bro's night and there's nothing you can do abou
> 
> **Message 2:**  t it bcos i just made the worst mistake of my life and i need to forget about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i looooooooooove fake marriage tropes!!!! and i love eren jean!!!!! sooooo!!!!!
> 
> preview for the next part: (Jean is a potty mouth)
>
>> "Eren I'm outside you're shitty apartment and fearing for my life there's a woman with a cat and Mikasa has rung me _12 times already what the fuck is going on."_
>> 
>> "There's a spare key on top of the frame just don't touch anything or fuck anything up okay I will EXPLAIN when I get there."
>> 
>> "On top the frame? How do you even _reach_ that?"
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> _"Shut the fuck up and get inside right now or so help me I will-"_  
> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...Do what?" Of course, there were several things he could think of for 'it', but none of them sounded very appealing. (Okay, that was a lie, they all sounded rather appealing, but just not with Jaeger. Mr Bodt, maybe.)

Eren was about ten minutes from his apartment when he got the call, grimacing when he saw the caller and reluctantly pressing 'Answer'.

"Eren I'm outside your shitty apartment and fearing for my life there's a girl with a cat and Mikasa has rung me 12 times already  _what the fuck is going on_." Eren cringed- he hadn't expected his sister to act that fast.

"Look, there's a spare key on top of the frame, just don't touch anything or fuck anything up okay I will EXPLAIN when I get there."

There was a rustle, in which Eren assumed was Jean standing on the tip of his toes in order to reach the spare key. "On top of the frame?" Jean asked, his voice sounding slightly muffled. "How do you even  _reach_  that?" _  
_

Eren was pretty sure he felt a vein in his forehead twitch. "Shut the fuck up," Eren growled, almost hissing into his phone, "and get inside right now or so help me I'll-"

There was a little click, as Jean had undoubtedly ended the call, leaving Eren to listen to nothing but the sound of empty static. Eren was going to  _kill_  him.

* * *

The door wasn't even locked when he got there.

He waved hello to the red-headed girl, Isabel, who resided with her older brother and his wife. She was almost always sat outside their apartment, stroking one of the couple's many cats.

Eren didn't understand how that giant dog of their's put up with all those felines, but it did. (He also didn't know how Isabel and Hanji put with Levi, but to each their own, he supposed)

When he first moved in, he had mistakenly thought Isabel was their daughter. But as it turned out, she wasn't as creepy or bat shit crazy as the other two, for which Eren was ultimately relieved.

"There's some strange guy in your apartment," She piped up, tucking a strand of her red hair behind her ear.

Eren snickered slightly, comforted by the knowledge that he wasn't the only one who seemed to dislike Jean, and nodded; "I know. I think you scared him."

Isabel grinned, her sharper than average canine teeth hanging over her bottom lip slightly. "Good."

Still laughing lightly, Eren let himself into his home, dumping his coat and shoes, and letting the door slam shut. He flinched at the sound- not because it scared him, but because he realised what he now had to do.

"Jaeger, that you?" Jean's voice echoed through the apartment, sounding as though it was coming from the kitchen. Eren sighed, called back, and headed that way.

He could hear the kettle boiling. "Make me a coffee, too." He requested, leaning against the wall into the kitchen space. Jean rolled his eyes, but got out two of Eren's mugs anyway.

"So how did yo-" Jean began to ask, pouring the water into the mugs. Eren cut him off as soon as, believing that the best way to get this over and done with was to be blunt about it.

"We're getting married." Really, he couldn't have chosen a worse timing; Jean had finished pouring the water, but that didn't stop him from letting the kettle drop from his grip.

When it clattered to the floor, the top popping off and boiling water spilling out, spreading slowly across the tiles, both boys stared at it, neither feeling quite up to moving.

"I'm sorry, Jaeger," Jean murmured, voice oddly faint, "But I thought you just said that we were getting married."

"I did." Eren replied, lifting his eyes from the floor to Jean's back. The other man was swaying slightly, and his voice sounded high and distant.

"And why on earth would you say that?" He mused, bending down picking up the kettle. Eren saw his fingertips brush the water, which must have still been scorching temperature at least, but Jean didn't even flinch. Just put the kettle back on the side and added some milk to his coffee, stirring.

"Because," Eren started, and then he paused slightly, for he had just seen Jean's knuckle whiten a shade as it gripped the spoon. Ever so slowly, he inched away from the wall, away from the kitchen, Jean. "...Cos, I maybe told Mikasa that earlier..."

Jean looked up at Eren, then, his eyes far, far away. His entire being looked void of life. "I don't think I quite understand." Eren didn't quite understand Jean's reaction either. He sounded like he was about to giggle. "It sounded to me like you just said you told Mikasa that we're getting married."

And before Eren could say that, yes, that was exactly what happened, Jean sort of- crumpled. To the floor. 

" _Shit._ " Eren swore, rushing over. He'd avoided the puddle, thank God, and was lying at an angle that didn't look all too comfortable. _  
_

After some effort on Eren's part, he managed to get Jean onto the sofa, muttering darkly to himself. In hindsight, he probably should have got Jean to sit on the sofa before spilling the beans, anyway. Less collateral damage.

When Jean woke up, about 25 minutes later, the first thing he did was yell Eren's name. And quite possibly every vulgar word he could think of, before finally asking - in the calmest, yet simultaneously vicious and rage filled voice Eren had ever heard - "What the fuck do you mean, you told Mikasa we're getting married?!"

Of course, Eren had no choice but to come clean. "So I said we were getting married. And that we were happy." Jean had sat up during Eren's explanation, and then stood up, and then finally started pacing.

"Only you," Jean snarled, "Could do something as stupid as that. Just how fucking dumb are you?!"

"Hey!" Eren protested- okay, so, fine, it wasn't his best idea to date, but so what? It could have gone a lot worse.

"Seriously, Eren. We're getting married? That's about as believable as a flying rat!"

"Well, Mikasa believed it." He snapped, and that made Jean stop pacing. It also made him go even paler than before, which was quite worrying. Not that Eren cared, of course. But he didn't really fancy having to haul Jean onto his sofa twice, in less than the space of an hour, thank you very much.

"Oh god. That's why she was ringing me. Oh my god. Eren why on earth would you tell her that. Why would you drag me into this. WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?! _"_

"I hate you because you're an ass hole!" Eren furiously yelled, shooting up so he was standing in front of Jean. They were both glaring at each other, and God Eren hated being shorter than Jean.

"Oh, I'm the ass hole?  _You're_  the one who just made me engaged!"

"We're not actually engaged, you idiot!" Eren snarled. Seriously.

"Oh, really? So I suppose you're the one who's going to tell Mikasa that, are you?" At Eren's silence, Jean continued his rant. "No, of course you won't, that's why you made up such a ridiculous and blatant lie in the first place, because you don't want to tell her the truth-"

"Jean."

"-that you're just a loner Art student at university who's only friend is quite possibly the brightest in the university so God only knows why he hangs out with an idiot such as yourself-"

" _Jean._ "

"Because I certainly wouldn't, not that I do anyway, but  _Jaeger, will you quit grabbing my arm like that!"_

For the last 30 seconds or so, Eren had been pawing incessantly at Jean's arm. He looked horrified, like a little kid who'd just seen Grandma's ghost at the foot of the stairs.

"What?" Jean snapped.

"I fucked up so bad," Eren wheezed. "Like, really bad, and I'm not going to tell Mikasa, you're not going to tell Mikasa, this is so fucking bad, oh my god-"

"What makes you think I won't tell Mikasa?" Jean's eyes flashed, and Eren looked at him like he'd grown a third head.

" _Why would you tell Mikasa?"_  Jean thought about that for a second, and then blanched.

"I'm not going to tell Mikasa."

Eren groaned, "What are we going to do?" He slumped back down onto the sofa, rubbing his face with his hands. Jean wanted to get angry again, explode even- but he was a grown man. And so was Eren. They would handle this.

He followed Eren's example, his head hanging limply over the back of the sofa and arms outstretched.

"I can't believe this." Jean muttered.

He had woken up this morning, gone for his morning jog, showered, played some Halo, looked over his portfolio, and then gone to buy a cup of coffee.

How on earth did he manage to fuck that up so badly?

No, wait, how on earth had  _Jaeger_  managed to fuck that up so badly?

"Why must you always ruin my life?" He continued, staring at the ceiling. "First you don't let me even  _talk_  to your sister, now you're telling me we're engaged..."

"Mikasa didn't want to date you. I had nothing to do with that." Eren grumbled. Jean gave him a side long glare, eyes full of suspicion and a look that closely resembled 'don't-you-fucking-lie-to-me-you-know-that-is-bullshit-you-were-there-I-was-there-we-were-both-there'.

"That's-"

"What are we going to do? We're not even gay." Jean's head snapped up so fast it was a wonder he didn't get whiplash.

He stared at Eren, mouth slightly agape. He was kidding, right? "You're kidding, right?"

"What?" Eren looked at him, frowning, face twisted in anger and confusion.

"You're not- oh my God." Jean choked, looking at Eren for a second longer, before he started laughing. Loud guffaws that made him double over slightly.

"What's so funny?" Eren still sounded angry. Jean looked at him again, and tried to quieten his laughter. Was this guy for real?

"Nothing. It's just-" Jean was chuckling between words, still. "Eren." Jean took a deep breath, the perils of Mikasa momentarily forgotten as Jean relished in the fact that  _Jaeger still didn't know._  "Eren, I am so fucking gay. Like, the gayest you will ever meet, probably.  _I used to masturbate over our geography teacher._  Mr. Bodt, remember him?"

"Haah?" Eren blinked. What had Jean just said? That he was gay? Ha? "What?" Jean snickered again.

"You seriously didn't know? Oh my god."

"W-well," Eren stammered, blushing slightly. Was Jean  _mocking_  him? "How was I supposed to know you were gay? All you did was flirt with my sister!" 

"Well, yeah, because your sister's cute man, plus, it wasn't harmful to either of us. We both knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. She found it amusing."

"I- what?" Eren was, to say the least, lost for words. "You're... gay?" Eren sounded it out, and nope, it still didn't make any sense.

"Yeah," Jean answered, suddenly cautious. "You're not- going to go all homophobic on me now, are you?" He sat up, regarding Eren slightly.

Eren shook his head, fast and jerky, and Jean could see it was an even brighter shade of red. "No. I just- I just didn't know you were gay, that's all." He muttered. He even sounded  _embarrassed._

Jean blinked. "Huh. Well. Now you do, so..." He trailed off, not really knowing what he was saying.

There was a pause, and then:

"We're going to have to do it." Jean blinked again. Eren sounded determined, and when he turned his green, fiery eyes on Jean, Jean immediately gulped. He had seen this look only once before.

"...Do what?" Of course, there were several things he could think of for 'it', but none of them sounded very appealing. (Okay, that was a lie, they all sounded rather appealing, but just not with Jaeger. Mr Bodt, maybe.)

"Get engaged. Buy me a ring." Jean glared.

"Oh, hell no. You proposed. You buy  _me_  a- wait, hold the fuck up,  _no,_ we're coming clean. I'm not marrying you."

"We are not coming clean." Eren hissed, leaning towards Jean. Eren's eyes seemed to multiply ten fold with their ever decreasing distance away. "She will kill us both. We're just going to have to suck it up, and get engaged." When Jean started to splutter, Eren shoved his hand over his mouth, forcing him to shut up.

Jean really felt like licking it, adult man be damned.

"No, listen. I have a plan. We fake-date. Fake-engage. Just for a couple months. Stay over here every now and then. Pretend we're in love. Be all lovey-dovey. And then, we'll get into a spectacular argument. One the neighbours can hear. And then you leave, dumping me in the process."

Eren was so close, Jean could feel his breath on his cheeks. It was warm. Giving Jean a triumphant grin, Eren pulled back, taking away his hand. The sudden coldness on Jean's face was almost mournful.

"Okay," Jean grumbled, thinking it over. It didn't sound  _too_  bad. They might be able to pull it off- "Wait, why do  _I_  have to dump  _you?_ " Eren blinked, shrugging.

"'Cos it's my plan." Jean's eyes narrowed,

"It was  _your_  engagement."

"Fine!" Eren sighed, reaching into the back pockets and pulling out a coin. "We'll toss for it."

"Heads." Jean said immediately. Eren nodded, flipping the coin up and catching it, slapping it onto the back of his hand. The pair looked at it for a moment. "Well?" Jean eventually prompted, and Eren gingerly pulled his hand away.

And immediately let out a cry of joy. "Best 2 out of 3?" Jean pleaded.

He had woken up this morning, gone for his morning jog, showered, played some halo, looked over his portfolio, and then gone to get a cup of coffee.

He still hadn't had his coffee, he was on the verge of tears, and was now fake-engaged to an idiot who's sister was going to kill them both. Oh, and he also had to dump him in 3 or 4 months time. Brilliant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooooo it started off good? then it sort of slipped, I'm sorry.
> 
> Armin in the next chapter!!!!!
> 
> here's a preview~ (maybe idk if this will make the cut)
>
>> "It's okay."
>> 
>> "What?"
>> 
>> "It's totally fine. I am okay with you being homosexual. I am not angry. I am not disappointed. I am surprised, but who wouldn't be? This is fine, I am so happy for you, Eren."
>> 
>> "Armin I can't breathe."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have no idea how sorry I am for not updating this sooner. I honestly don't know what happened, but i am so so sorry.
> 
> Also, have not seen TMNT film. I doubt there's a marriage proposal in it, but hey, someone let me know.

Jean left not too long after the coin toss. Thankfully, Eren might add; he didn't particularly want to look at him for any longer than necessary. It was just going to make him angry.

Angrier.

Oh, bollocks, really, what the ever bleeding fuck had he gotten himself into? Well, he knew what he'd gotten himself into- a hole. A deep, dark crevice in the middle of the desert- no, no, scratch that. This isn't the desert. If this was the desert, Eren would have long ago burnt. The sun would have scorched the skin off of his back, blazed images into his mind that sent him crazy, melted his throat and stripped away any desire for life left.

This is not the desert. This is the Arctic. This is the frozen tundras of Siberia; this is the lands left undiscovered and non-explored for one very vital reason: Frost is a killer. Frost is a slow and torturous killer. It will sink into your bones at first, wear you down slowly, make each trudging footstep a nightmare to carry on, until, finally, you can't move any more. It has you in its grasp, and it will circle you, ever so slowly, ever so slightly, closing in and suffocating you, drawing out that last, last,  _last_  breath, and leaving you solid, sordid, in the middle of the vast ad empty white lands.

This is a hole in the middle of the Arctic that Eren dug for himself and just keeps on digging; no rest for the weary, after all.

With a sigh, he cast a hand through his hair, ran it all down his face, rubbing his chin. He never got the coffee that Jean was supposedly making for him, but right now that wasn't something that bothered him all too much.

It wasn't coffee that Eren needed, but rather, a very large and very potent solution, perhaps, even, an organic compound whose molecule contained one or more hydroxyl groups attached to a carbon atom.

Which, really, was where Armin came in. Where Armin, really, desperately, absolutely came in. Because Armin was a genius, a definitive doctor in the making ( _Armin studies biochemistry, Eren_ ) and Armin could make this 100% right. He always did.

Figuring it was about time that Armin was no longer busy, or not really caring, actually, because Eren would sit outside of his apartment for as long as it took, really, he grabbed his coat and left, and if he slammed the door a little behind him, well, Isabel was no longer around, and Levi could go fuck himself, and Hanji wouldn't have given a shit, like, comparing one slam to the  _gazillion_  that she's done because she was too damn excited about something (Eren has never, ever, asked what her job is. It's just- he just doesn't think he's ready for that.  _Much like he isn't ready for marriage_.)

It was just after 6, and whilst not particularly cold, the sky was infinitely dark. Above him, there were no stars; just clouds, floating away like an endless sea.  _Let me float with you_ , he begged.

The walk to Armin's was, admittedly, long and arduous and he should have probably taken the bus, but whatever, at least now Armin definitely couldn't make him go home, and it wasn't as if Armin's sofa wasn't comfortable- hell, even Armin's  _floor_  was comfortable. The perks of, well, of being Armin, really.

Eren couldn't help but drag his feet as he made his way up the path. He didn't notice the curtain against the front window hitch up slightly and then drop back down, didn't hear the scurrying footsteps behind the door, didn't hear the latch being undone. Only heard, well, saw, actually, the door fling open just as he raised his arm to knock.

He didn't even have time to say hello before there were arms around his middle, crushing him into Armin. Being smaller than Eren, it didn't quite have the same effect as it would have if this had been someone like, oh I don't know, Jean. (Eren stop thinking about him god damn it.)

Nevertheless, Eren was still having difficulty breathing and functioning as a human being should. "Ah-" Eren gasped, attempting to dislodge himself.

"It's okay."  _No, Armin, this is not okay, I can't breathe_. Wait- what? Eren frowned, brow crinkling, gears turning in his mind to try and figure out what exactly was okay. (Definitely not this situation) "What?"

Armin didn't lessen his grip, as Eren had hoped. In fact, it seemed to tighten. The complete opposite of anything resembling a smidgen of okay.

Eren could feel Armin's lips move against him, his warm breath on his chest. "It's totally fine." What's totally fine? "I am okay with you being homosexual." Hah, what? "I am not angry. I am not disappointed. I am surprised, but who wouldn't be?" No, oh God, Armin, stop. "This is fine, I am so happy for you, Eren."

Paralysed, it was all Eren could do to mutter, "Armin, I can't breathe." And with that, he was released. Physically, of course. He was not released from the hell he had walked straight into, however.

Eren struggled to swallow. There was no way out, now. He had miscalculated Mikasa's will. He was doomed. With a tragic smile, (honestly, there was no other word for the- _thing_  that graced his lips), Eren managed to get some shaky words out. "T-thanks, Armin. Why don't we take this inside? Kinda cold out here..."

And so, that was how Eren found himself inside of Armin's, sat on the sofa in the living room, and a hot chocolate in his hands instead of the much desired alcoholic beverage which he had initially sought out.

( _"Perhaps we should be sober to start off with, Eren,"_  Armin had said,  _"Get the explanations out of the way first,"_  He proposed. Ha. Proposed!)

"It's still weird," Armin said eventually, and Eren practically groaned. It'd be weird if it wasn't weird, he thought. "I can't believe you never mentioned it, though. We thought, well, aren't you straight?"

"Apparently not. I don't want to- Armin, honestly, like, I wouldn't think about you that way, that would be too weird, but yeah, I guess, bisexual?" What was Eren even saying. "I don't know, okay, I just know I really like Jean. Most of the time." He attempted to make a joke with that last part, but how well it was received wasn't clear. Eren sighed, the drink in his hands still warm. He took a sip; it practically melted on his tongue. He always had been a fan of sweet things.

Armin stayed quiet for a moment, peering down at his own drink. Eren wouldn't have been surprised if he telepathically communicating with it.

"I didn't mean to keep you in the dark." Honestly.

"I know," Armin said, and for some reason, Eren felt even worse than before. Armin sounded hurt.  _Nobody_  hurt Armin.

"But you still could have said something about Jean, I was convinced you hated his guts." He turned his wide eyes to Eren, filled to the brim with curiosity. "Did you think I'd shun you?"

"What? Of course not!" Armin's reaction was the least of his worries.

"Then why?" Armin pressed.

"I didn't- like, you know what Jean and I are like. I practically  _do_  hate his guts." There's no practically about it. "I didn't want to tell you and Mikasa, 'cos, well, what if it didn't work out? I wasn't going to announce it if it wasn't serious." That's- that's actually plausible, Eren, well done. Kudos to you. And after he had started talking, the story seemed to come naturally to him. He was in his element, honestly; it was like he was painting a picture. And paint was what he did for a living, after all. (Grocery store cashier status notwithstanding)

"The whole engagement- it was a complete accident!" He could see it so easily, now. "We were just goofing around. So, we'd been to see the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," Surprisingly, not a lie. They had seen it, though they had both gone alone and separately, however on days that appeared to coincide. And as fate would have it, it is better to sit and watch a film with a guy you hate than by yourself.

"And there was a scene in it- no, don't worry, I won't spoil it- and so I sorta joked about us two getting married, and well- he just looked at me, and then right there, in the middle of the fucking film, just got down one knee and- well, he didn't have a ring, I don't think it was planned, but it just, I dunno, Armin, it felt right."

"It felt right?"

Eren nodded, resisting the urge to scratch the back of his head. He was supposed to be feigning being in love, not acting awkward. "Yeah, Arms, it did. I won't lie and say that the relationship has been perfect; obviously, it hasn't. But now that it's serious - and I know it's serious, Armin, I really want this to work, and I'm going to try my best to make it, okay?" Eren didn't know what he was asking for. It would always be okay with Armin.

Armin smiled, and then laughed. "Good," He said, "It's about time the pair of you settled down." Eren didn't have time to think of what else that could possibly mean, or what Armin could be referring to, so he took Armin's acceptance with a grin, before putting his (now empty) mug down and tackling him into a hug.

They broke the beer out not soon after, as a sort of 'celebration', in Armin's words. ("Let's have a toast, to you and Jean!" "We can't toast someone who's not here, Armin." "Why don't you invite him round, then?" "To me and Jean!")

"Speaking of rings-" Nothing at all had been mentioned about rings, not for a while, Armin definitely was  _not_  a smooth talker when he'd had a couple. "Where is yours?" At that, Eren blushed, just as Armin inspected his hand and fingers.

"Oh, we're going shopping this weekend. Decided to make a day out of it, and find ones that we both really liked."

"Awww! Can-"

"No."

"But-"

" _No._ "

Armin pouted. Eren sighed, grumbled, sighed again. "I'll send you a picture." He muttered. Armin grinned.

* * *

It was about two in the morning when Eren woke up, bleary eyed and sporting a small but manageable headache, lying across Armin's sofa. Armin was nowhere in site; presumably, he had had the foresight to go to his bed before he felt too tired. Eren still felt drunk. He couldn't have been asleep for more than a couple hours; he took a sip of the can on the coffee table and, sure enough, it hadn't been left long enough to oxygenate. He finished the rest of the can, and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

He pressed the unlock button on his phone, swiped his thumb up the screen, and hit 'New Message'.

> **02:09, Wed, 30th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Horse face
> 
> **Message:**  This has jsut reminded me i should probs change ur name to something nice. How about 'jean bean' or 'my little pony' hahahah
> 
> **02:10, Wed, 30th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Jaeger
> 
> **Message:**  Go the fuck to sleep, Jaeger
> 
> **02:10, Wed, 30th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Jean<3
> 
> **Message:**  Mayb u should change my name to cowboy
> 
> **02:10, Wed, 30th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Jean<3
> 
> **Message:**  Since im goiN 2 B RIDIN U ALL NIGHT
> 
> **02:11, Wed, 30th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Jaeger
> 
> **Message:**  Fuckin stop man
> 
> **02:37, Wed, 30th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Jean
> 
> **Message:**  u no i am really sorry about this
> 
> **02:38, Wed, 30th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Jaeger
> 
> **Message:**  Yeah, well, we'll talk more when we're both sober.

 

* * *

>   
> **15:22, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Arlert, Armin
> 
> **Message:**  Armin, why didn't you tell me Eren and Jean were engaged? Dating, even?
> 
> **15:23, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Mikasa
> 
> **Message:**  That would be because I had no idea!
> 
> **15:23, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Mikasa
> 
> **Message:**  But that makes sense, actually!
> 
> **15:25, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Arlert, Armin
> 
> **Message:**  ...It does?
> 
> **15:26, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Mikasa
> 
> **Message:**  Yeah! I mean, they have been talking a lot more lately. I've even seen them in starbucks together once or twice.
> 
> **15:26, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Arlert, Armin
> 
> **Message:**  Seriously? You're not pulling my leg, are you?
> 
> **15:27, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Mikasa
> 
> **Message:**  Nope! I thought it was weird, but I had an exam that day so I didn't have time to question Eren and then I just completely forgot about it. Huh.
> 
> **15:27, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Mikasa
> 
> **Message:**  But that's annoying don't you think! Why didn't he tell us sooner?!
> 
> **15:29, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Arlert, Armin
> 
> **Message:**  Maybe he's embarrassed.
> 
> **15:30, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Mikasa
> 
> **Message:**  Embarrassed? Come on, Mikasa, this is Eren we're talking about. I don't think he even knows what that word means. That being said, however, he's coming over tonight for an impromptu "bro's night". Sounded pretty annoyed, too.
> 
> **15:31, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Arlert, Armin
> 
> **Message:**  Annoyed? Do you think it's because he told me he was marrying Jean?
> 
> **15:32, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Mikasa
> 
> **Message:**  Maybe, yeah. Maybe he was planning to announce it, 'cos I didn't even know he was gay, did you? But then if he accidentally let it slip about the marriage - you know what his mouth is like when he get's started - of course he's going to be mad about not having come out first.
> 
> **15:33, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Arlert, Armin
> 
> **Message:**  Heh, true. Well, sorry to have told you before Eren, just in case he wanted to tell you himself. I assumed you knew and were just keeping it from me.
> 
> **15:34, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Mikasa
> 
> **Message:**  It's fine! Poor Eren, though. Anyway, I have to go and get beer, so have a good night, Mikasa!
> 
> **15:35, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Arlert, Armin
> 
> **Message:**  You too! Try and get all the details, alright? ;)
> 
> **15:35, Tues, 29th Aug, 2014**
> 
> **To:**  Mikasa
> 
> **Message:**  Hahahah, you know I will!
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo maybe the texting conversation isn't quite how it would have gone down between mikasa and armin, but yeah, it's how I sorta envisioned it uwu
> 
> Also, have not seen TMNT film. I doubt there's a marriage proposal in it, but hey, someone let me know.
> 
> next time~~~~~~
>
>> "That strange man is back."
>> 
>> "That strange man is going to die."
>> 
>> \--
>> 
>> "You said so yourself, we have to make this convincing!"
>> 
>> "But that doesn't mean you can just dump your stuff here, in my apartment! Like hell am I giving you a drawer!"
>> 
>> "Oh, like I'd even _want_ one of your drawers. But for that cheek, I'm taking two."
>> 
>> " _Hey!"_  
> 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for reference, here is the layout for eren's apartment:  
> 

 

"Hey Eren!" Eren had just stepped onto the top step when he heard the voice, and, looking over to the apartment across the way, he saw both Hanji and Isabel sat outside the door, a horde of cats surrounding them. Feline magnets. The whole damn family were.

"Hey," Eren gave a small wave, a little nod of acknowledgement. One of the cats purred, meowed and walked over to Eren, rubbing its neck against his leg. He wasn't sure of the gender, but he was pretty sure its name was Sawney, a Siamese with eyes so blue Eren was pretty sure they had been genetically modified.

Hanji was beaming at both him and the cat, and Eren couldn't resist the urge to bend and give the little guy (girl?) a scratch behind their ear. And then, of course, curiosity got the best of him. It wasn't unusual for Isabel to sit outside in the corridor; she wasn't allowed out on the streets by herself, and as far as Eren knew, she didn't have many friends. But Hanji beside her was slightly- odd? Disconcerting, perhaps. Were they locked out?

"What're you guys doing sat outside?" And with so many cats, he thought, but didn't voice. "You locked out or something?" Hanji laughed, shaking he head, just as Eren straightened up.

"No, no." She paused as one of the cats leaped up onto her lap. It was a black one that Eren had never seen before, but new without a doubt would soon become acquainted with. They often got the flat windows mixed up, and Eren had, on more than one occasion, woken up to find bright yellow eyes staring devilishly at him. One look from Levi had stopped him complaining about it, however, and he had grudgingly accepted his fate as an occasional cat possessor. "Levi's cleaning," She explained, looking somewhat sheepish.

There was a small gut feeling inside Eren that perhaps Hanji had been the one to cause the mess. "Figured Is and I would just sit out here 'til he gets it out of his system,"

"Oh." Eren replied, somewhat lamely. What else was he supposed to say? He could understand why they hadn't gone to the park or anything; when he'd woken up this morning, with a dead phone and a horrible crick in his neck (not to mention a pretty bad head ache, but Armin had sorted that out for him. God bless Armin.), the downpour had been torrential. And it hadn't subsided at all; Eren would be soaked to the bone right now had Armin not (generously) lent him bus fare.

"Well," Eren deliberated for a moment, and then figured it was actually the least he could. "Do you want to come inside? I was going to make some spaghetti bolognese for dinner, at least then I won't have to worry about the left overs going bad..." He trailed off, watching Hanji glance from Isabel, to the door, and then back at Eren.

"Are you sure you don't mind?" Hanji asked, raising an eyebrow. Eren grinned,

"'Course not. I always make too much anyway." That was actually a lie; usually Eren made too little, and was constantly hungry afterwards. It was also a lie that he had been planning to make dinner; he was just going to heat up a microwaveable meal, perhaps order take out. But he had the ingredients for spaghetti bolognese, he was pretty sure.

Hanji grinned, and he was pretty certain that meant yes. Isabel jumped up, calling out an excited "Thanks, Eren!" whilst trying to brush the cat hairs off of her body. Eren ruffled her hair, before reaching into his pocket for his set of keys.

"Don't bother," Hanji chirped, extending an arm to stop him. He hadn't even heard her walk beside him, or even get up off the floor. "You're door's already open." Eren frowned at her,

"What?" He asked,

"Hmmm?" Hanji blinked, cocking her head to the side slightly, as if in confusion. "Some guy with two-toned hair showed up earlier, let himself in. I didn't hear the latch shut, so I'm presuming he's left it open for you."

There was only one person that Eren knew who had two-toned hair. He groaned, trying very hard not to rub a hand over his face. He had, conveniently, forgotten all about Jean. And the marriage. And, well, fuck. "Hanji," Eren tried not to sound exasperated, though he wasn't sure how well that worked. "Why didn't you  _tell_  me?"

"What's wrong, Eren? Is he not supposed to be there? I can go and get Levi, if that's the case." Eren cranked an eyebrow up; he couldn't help it. What on earth could Levi do? He was smaller than Isabel (probably. Maybe. Eren wasn't too sure, actually.)

Regardless, he shook his head. Looks like he was making extra food, however. "It's fine. I just wasn't expecting him."

"Who is he?" Isabel asked. They still had yet to enter the flat, but, well this wasn't the first time Eren had been accosted at his door. "This is the second time he's been here."

Of course, Eren thought, Isabel had been there yesterday when he let himself in, too. "Uh-" Eren began, trying to think of a suitable explanation. He didn't really  _have_  one, except, you know, either the real truth or the fake truth, but if he told Hanji and Isabel the real truth, Eren wasn't so sure it would stay secret. Not that he was saying Hanji and Isabel were blabber mouths, or anything, but... He really didn't want to upset Mikasa.

That settled his internal debate; fake truth it was, then.

"Well, you see, Is, he's, uh, kind of my fiancé-" Eren didn't have time to say anything else. He didn't even have time to warn Jean.

With an inhuman squeal, Eren's door was wrenched open, all of the cats scattered, and Eren was left gaping beside an apologetic Isabel, both of them sporting slightly hurt ear drums and, in Eren's case at least, blooming bruises from the way Hanji barged past, along with a thudding heart beat.

Honestly, he had no idea what just happened, but he was pretty sure he could hear Jean's cries of pain from out here.

Entrance to the flat proved to be the highlight of, quite possibly, Eren's entire year. There was Jean, in the middle of the living room, with a blatantly ecstatic Hanji wrapped around him.

"I think she's suffocating me." Jean croaked out, and that was all the prompt Hanji needed to release him and start examining - yes, really,  _examining_  - him from afar. Well, from arm's length, really.

"Eren," And, oh boy, did Hanji sound like a scolding mother. Eren almost winced; the last time he'd heard a voice like that- well, actually, he'd rather not think about it. "Why didn't you  _tell_  me you had such a nice looking partner?!"

Nice looking? She was joking, right?

"Y-yeah, Eren, why didn't you tell- er, I'm sorry, ma'am, but I have no idea who you are."

Hanji squealed. There was no other explanation for it. "And he's so charming!" She rounded on Eren then, scowl in place. "I am disappointed in you!"

 _You bastard_ , Eren thought, narrowing his eyes at Jean, just fast enough to see the hint of a smirk on the corner of Jean's lips. He was enjoying this.

"Sorry, Hanji." Eren muttered. "Must have slipped my mind." Oh, was Jean in for it.

"Slipped your mind? How on earth could- nevermind, Is, come here, come say hello!"

"I said hello yesterday." Isabel explained, eyeing Jean up. If the slightly stricken look Jean got, Eren surmised that 'hello' wasn't exactly what Isabel said yesterday.

"Well, Eren," Hanji admonished, "Introduce me!" Eren blinked, and then started.

"Oh, right, right. Uh, Hanji, this is Jean, my fiancé, and Jean, this is Hanji, and her sister in law Isabel. They live across the hall with Hanji's husband - and Is's brother - Levi."

Eren could almost physically see Jean turn on the charm. It was disgusting.

He grinned, flashing his teeth nice, white and straight teeth at Hanji. "Well, it's a pleasure to meet you. Eren never mentioned he had such lovely neighbours."

"Oh, Jean, please," Hanji laughed, eyes alight and an almost identical smile. Eren was sure she was resisting the urge to put her hand on his shoulder. "Flattery will get you everywhere with me. My husband, maybe not so much. Hey, Eren, have you got room for one more at dinner? I'll go get him!"

And with that, Hanji was gone, shot off like a rocket back inside her own apartment. He heard their door shut, and then something crash, and Isabel winced. Eren looked down at the girl, "Make yourself comfortable, all right? You know where everything is. I'm just going to speak to Jean for a moment."

Isabel nodded, and shuffled off to the sofa, whilst Eren grabbed Jean by the elbow and dragged him towards his bedroom. He heard the TV sound up just before he shut the door.

"Sorry about them," Eren apologised; he knew they tended to come on strong, and even if Jean did technically break into his apartment, it would probably be cruel to not at least say something to him about unleashing them, you know, all things considered.

Jean just grinned, giving a little laugh and shrugging it off. Eren shook his head, sparingly.

"I can't believe you're enjoying this. What the fuck, Jean."

"Hey, this is entirely your fault, this whole ordeal. I am not to blame in any way, and so it is perfectly acceptable of me to just accept the conditions, and milk it for all its worth." Eren sighed; of course Jean would.

It was then that Eren noticed the black bag on his bed. There was another on the floor beside it, which was already sagging due to its contents having being emptied.

Eren eyed the still full duffel bag sceptically. "What's in that?" He asked, jerking a thumb towards it.

"Huh? Oh, that. It's just my clothes. Couple of photographs, you know." Eren's brow crumpled.

"Why?" Jean gave him a blank look.

"...I'm going to need keep clothes in our home, Eren."

"This is my home, Jean," Eren, mindful of their company, managed to stay determinedly calm. "And the way you said that makes it sound like you intend to stay here."

"That's because I do." Jean's look could have probably killed a lesser man. As it was, Eren was particularly used to such looks and so it had no effect on him.

"Excuse me?" Eren didn't even level a scathing look of his own. It was like he hadn't even comprehended what Jean had said.

Jean sighed, casting a hand through his hair. "Staying. Here. Me." He put deliberate pauses between his words, spelling out the idea for him.

This would have, had they been entirely alone in the apartment, been the moment whence forth Eren exploded. However, as it so happened, they were not quite alone, which resulted in an angry hiss coming from Eren's mouth.

"You're not staying here!"

"Eren, we're engaged." Jean talked as though he was tired. "Where else am I supposed to stay?"

"We are not engaged!"

"That's not what Mikasa thinks."

Eren spluttered; he had no dignified response to that. At all. Jean carried on, ignoring him completely.

"Anyway, I spent all of this morning sorting everything out, so it's all good now."

" _What's_  all good now?"

"My apartment. I've rented it out on a five-month contract. When that runs out is when we'll have 'spectacular argument' and I'll move back out."

Eren was dumbfounded, seriously. Jean had planned all of this out. It wasn't even Jean's  _mess_ , and he had sorted it out,  _fixed_  it, and what had Eren been doing? Getting drunk off of his ass in Armin's place, that's what.

He owed him an apology; a huge one, a  _sober_  one.

"...Right. Okay. Well. We'll talk more about it later, I guess. I need to make dinner- spaghetti bolognese okay for you?" Jean nodded, and opened the bedroom door, allowing Eren through first. Eren cast a look back into his bedroom, pausing.

"You're not getting a draw, you know." He said, the corner of his lip curling up into a smile.

"We'll see about that." Jean muttered, shutting the door behind them.

Levi was sat next to Isabel when they returned, and Hanji was messing around in the kitchen. "Eren!" She called, "Which pot are we using?" Eren could hear her rustling around in the cupboards and draws.

"If I were you, Eren," Levi's voice floated from the direction of the sofa, steely and defiant, "I wouldn't let her help you. Not unless you want to spend the next five months cleaning black, unknown and questionably poisonous substances from places they should never, ever be." Levi's tone had grown oddly bitter towards the end, and Eren wondered just what Hanji had been doing in their apartment. Well, it was none of his business what went on behind closed doors, and since he had no door leading into his kitchen, whatever Hanji was doing was definitely his business.

"It's all right Hanji," Eren assured her, "I can handle it."

She gave him a look, one that was a perfect balance between confusion, admiration, hurt and relief. She didn't particularly want to be in the kitchen any more than Eren wanted her, it seemed. "Are you sure?" He nodded, taking the wooden spoon out of her grasp.

"Of course," He grinned, "Go interrogate Jean or something, Levi's probably scaring him."

"Oi, brat! I heard that!" Hanji and Eren laughed, and she skittered out of the kitchen to the living room area.

Cooking was... interesting. Every now and then he would hear a snippet of their various conversations float through, like:

"You like to run, eh? A dog would be good for that, some company!"

"Eren is not getting a dog, Hanji, and that is it."

"Something big! Like a husky, or a dalmatian!"

"Isabel, no, don't encourage her."

and;

"Don't bother getting Eren a ring, he'll probably just break it." (How insulting).

"Sadly that's true, he broke Mikasa's favourite vase once and it was made of  _metal._ "

"Not to mention that one time he also killed a cactus. He hadn't even had it a week."

(What was this, pick on Eren time?)

not to mention;

"You're a photographer? Where are your glasses? Don't they usually where glasses?"

"Peter Parker doesn't wear glasses and he's a photographer-"

"Isabel, Peter Parker isn't-"

"Levi! Don't you  _dare_."

Most of the talking was not actually done by Jean, in fact Eren's pretty sure the only thing he actually heard the guy say was "I better go check Eren hasn't boiled himself to death, or something."

It was clear Jean needed a temporary escape route.

"And you thought they were lovely." Eren smirked, giving the pasta a little stir, removing some of the stuck strands from the side.

"They are. They're just-" Jean flailed a little, struggling for words. Eren laughed, but stopped when he noticed Jean's raised eyebrow.

"What?"

"You're wearing an apron." Eren blinked, and looked down at himself. He scowled. This was a manly thing; there were no frills, and it was  _blue_. Dark blue. A manly dark blue.

"So? Bolognese is messy stuff. Don't mock me, Jean."

"I'm not mocking your apron, Eren, I'm mocking the fact that you haven't got it  _tied_." Oh. Right, of course.

"Well," Eren huffed, "Bows are tricky to do behind my back." Jean rolled his eyes,

"You could have just done a normal knot. Come here," He said, moving closer to Eren and spinning him. "Give me your hands."

"Uh- Jean, what are you-"

"Showing you how to tie it behind your back. Do you cook a lot?"

Eren shrugged, feeling Jean's hands cover his own. They were surprisingly warm. "Sometimes, I guess."

Jean nodded, though Eren couldn't see. "Good, this will come in handy. You know how to tie a bow, don't you?"

Eren gritted his teeth, "Of  _course_  I do." He could practically hear Jean's smirk.

"Well, just as a reminder-" He spoke as he took Eren's hands through the motions. "Remember, cross the bunny ears over each other,-"

"Oh, my God. I don't need to hear this-"

"Then run the bunny ears over each other,-"

"Jean, seriously, stop-"

"And now see the bunny jump into his hole, running from that nasty dog."

"I hate you." Eren groaned, but still, at least he was all tied up now. Jean laughed, ruffling Eren's hair.

"Anything you want me to do, chef?"

"Lay the table?" He asked, eyes hopeful. "There's plates under the sink, and cutlery is the top draw next to it." He figured Jean would need to know all of this, anyway. "Glasses and mugs are in all the top cupboards, see what they want to drink. I think I have some wine in one of the cupboards, and there's definitely some beer in the fridge. And no matter what Isabel says, do not let her have coffee or alcohol or apple juice."

"Apple juice?"

"Just trust me."

Dinner was- pleasant, Eren supposed. Hanji had seemed to get a majority of her questions out of the way, and so it was mainly quiet. Levi didn't say much, nothing was burned, Isabel had a soothing hot chocolate, and it actually tasted quite nice.

Levi, Hanji and Isabel left with the promise of "we'll invite you for dinner at ours soon!" which was quickly and efficiently shot down with a "no we fucking won't." by Levi. The last Eren saw was Hanji's pleading face and pouted lips.

In amicable silence, Jean and Eren went about clearing up the table, one washing and one drying. It was a quiet, domestic affair with little splash. They had other things on their minds, clearly, and they would have to talk about them all later. No point wasting their on energy on scrapping over the dishes.

When all was said and done, Eren slumped against the living room wall, relieved.

It was then that Eren surveyed the living room, and a puzzled expression over came him. His sofa was a two-seater, and all of the other chairs were soft and plushy armchairs. None of them were big enough for someone to sleep on.

"Hey, Jean, I just thought, where the fuck are you going to sleep?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren will have to apologise in the next chapter, I believe uwu thanks for reading!


End file.
